


what's the time, mister fox?

by garafthel (sister_wolf)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Crossover - Thor Movies, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Rule 63, waves cheerfully at canon as it wanders past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-07 20:38:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 9,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sister_wolf/pseuds/garafthel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of ask-box fics from <a href="http://garafthel.tumblr.com/">my tumblr</a>. Pairings and any warnings in chapter titles. Many AUs and other weirdnesses.</p><p>First chapter includes the list of ficlets so far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. List of Ficlets

Chapters:  
1\. list of ficlets  
2\. Dwalin/Nori, Dwalin is a werewolf  
3\. Bofur/library  
4\. Kili, Fili, and Uncle Thorin's weapon's room (gen)  
5\. Bofur making toys for little Fili, Kili and Ori (gen)  
6\. Nori and Tauriel, a change of scenery  
7\. Balin/Nori, during the quest  
8\. Balin/Ori; Balin is actually Santa Claus (workplace sexual harassment)  
9\. Thorin/Bilbo(/Bofur); coffeeshop AU (mentioned BDSM)  
10\. Fili/Ori; Buying someone's brother a pet fish for their birthday  
11\. Nori/Dwalin, A day at the beach  
12\. Nori, Thorin at a haberdashery.  
13\. Nori/Dwalin, Nori posting bail for Dwalin.  
14\. Ingrith, Fili, & Kili, Labyrinth AU  
15\. Ingrith/Fili, (Dwalin/Nori), Modern AU  
16\. Nori/Dwalin (Kili/Tauriel, hinted Thorin/Thranduil)  
17\. Bilbo/Nori, f/f, Thieving  
18\. Kili and Fili, gen, brotherly love  
19\. Thorin/Nori, Nori "borrows" Thorin's spaceship  
20\. Nori, Space Pirate  
21\. The return of the Andromeda AU (Nori/Thorin, possible past Nori/Bilbo)  
22\. Thor crossover AU  
23\. that Thor crossover that never went anywhere (part 1)  
24\. that Thor crossover that never went anywhere (part 2) (Dis/Darcy Lewis)  
25\. Galadriel at Dol Guldur  



	2. Dwalin/Nori, Dwalin is a werewolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin/Nori, Dwalin is a werewolf. Requested by Anonymous.

"Right. So, you're a werewolf," Nori said, backing away slowly. The giant furry _thing_ that Dwalin had turned into (in a process that both looked and sounded incredibly painful) growled at him. Nori backed away a little faster. The growl grew louder and added a bit of a snarling sound. Nori froze in place and the noise stopped.

"All right, message received. Don't move," Nori muttered to himself. "Sure, with a giant killing machine standing there watching me like a particularly delicious sheep--" Maybe best not to mention tasty animals in front of a werewolf. He wasn't entirely sure whether Dwalin-the-werewolf could understand him.

Still, it wasn't like he could just stand here all night. And maybe sitting down would calm the werewolf a bit. Nori sat down on the grass as slowly as possible, watching the werewolf for any sign of aggression. "Right then. I'm just going to sit here until the moon sets or... yeah." He twiddled his thumbs. "Guess you really can't play cards in that form, eh?"

The giant, furry, fanged beast that his companion had turned into sighed, sat down next to him, and curled up on the ground with its head in Nori's lap. 

Once he'd gotten over the instinctive reaction of horror at the idea of very sharp teeth being very near his manhood, Nori gingerly reached out and rested his hand on Dwalin's head. The great beast whuffed out a breath and closed its eyes as Nori scritched behind its ears.

"I am never, ever letting you live this down, Fundinson."


	3. Bofur/library

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bofur/library. Requested by charliebravowhiskey.

"Excuse me," Bofur said. The librarian behind the counter looked up, blinking when he saw Bofur standing there, still in his coveralls. He hadn't had enough time in between getting off shift and the library closing to change out of his work clothes. "I got a message that the book I had on hold came in?"

"Oh, certainly," the librarian said, sounding flustered for some reason. "The name of the book and your name, please?"

Bofur walked out the door grinning, holding the new Stephen King in his hands. He loved the library.


	4. Kili, Fili, and Uncle Thorin's weapon's room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili, Fili, and Uncle Thorin's weapon's room. Requested by scahill42.

"Hurry up, someone's gonna catch us."

"Of course they're gonna catch us if you don't shut up! Hold this."

"Ugh, that's heavy." A clang of metal against stone.

"I got it!" The sound of a sword sliding from a sheath. "Du Bekar! The axes of the Dwarves--"

"That's a sword, stupid head. And put it back! I think I hear Uncle Thorin... uh-oh."

"Boys. Care to explain to me what you're doing in my weapons room?"

"Uhhh..." "Uhhh..."


	5. Bofur making toys for little Fili, Kili and Ori

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bofur making toys for little Fili, Kili and Ori. Requested by Anonymous.

The thing about whittling was impossible to explain to people was that the wood told you what it wanted to be. Bofur had started on the Durin's Day gifts for Fili, Kili, and Ori intending on making them a matched set of ponies for them to play caravans and orcs with. But when he'd started working the wood it had told him it wanted to be something entirely different.

Bofur lined up the toys in front of him, looking them over. For Fili, one of the great maned cats of the far South. For Kili, a hawk mantling its wings. And for Ori, not a pony but a horse, rearing. That one was unexpected, but the wood was never wrong.

Whistling, he wrapped the gifts up in plain paper, ready for Durin's Day.


	6. Nori and Tauriel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori and Tauriel. Kenporusty asked me to look outside and write a ficlet based on what I could see.

"Listen, we’ve been sitting here for three weeks. All I’m asking is for a change of scenery. Maybe some fresh air."

The female Elf who seemed to be the head of their Guard looked unimpressed. “You’re a Dwarf. Aren’t you supposed to like being underground?”

Nori rolled his eyes. “Yeah, and you’re an Elf. Would you really want to sit in the same damn tree for three weeks?”

"What guarantee do I have that you wouldn’t simply try to escape?"

"So you’re saying that a whole Palace full of Elves can’t keep a dozen unarmed Dwarves from escaping? Hmmm," Nori said skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

She sighed at him. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Nori waited until after she walked away to grin smugly. Still had it.


	7. Balin/Nori, during the quest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balin/Nori, during the quest. Requested by purritt2b.

It wasn't like he'd never thought about it at all. The sons of Fundin were both renowned warriors and handsome besides. And while anyone with eyes could see that Dwalin was wholly Thorin Oakenshield's man, his older brother was much more of a closed book. 

Nori hadn't honestly thought Balin had an opinion on him other than "thief, useful, probably shouldn't behead him yet."

Lying sweaty, wrung-out, and panting on what passed for a bed in Beorn the skin-changer's house, Nori had to revise his theory. Apparently Balin's opinion on Nori was more like "thief, useful, would like to fuck him into the mattress, twice, please and thank you." 

Nori mumbled into the mattress.

"Oh, you're welcome, laddie," Balin said, patting Nori's ass in a proprietary fashion.


	8. Balin/Ori; Balin is actually Santa Claus. (Warning: workplace sexual harassment)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balin/Ori; Balin is actually Santa Claus. Requested by Thaxted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for workplace sexual harassment in the context of Santa's workshop.

“And so, on behalf of the dwarves, hobbits, and elves of Holiday Local #245, I present to you a list of our reasonable and considered requests in the interests of improved worker safety and increased job satisfaction.” Ori had managed to get through the entire thing without mumbling even once! Dori would be so proud.

“I see,” Santa Balin said, accepting the scroll from Ori and raising a magnifying glass to his eye as he scanned over the list. “I shall need some time to look this over, of course.”

“Of course.” Ori paused and cleared his throat, a blush rising to his cheeks. “Also, um, I brought you three dozen cookies? Those are just from me. Not part of the negotiations.” He handed Balin the first of three tins, smiling nervously.

“Are they now?” Balin asked with a twinkle in his eyes. “Why, it’s not often that a strapping young dwarf such as yourself brings me such tasty treats.” With that, he opened the tin of cookies and slowly bit into a shortbread while watching Ori fidget.

“Mmmm, delicious,” Balin said, licking cookie crumbs off his thumb. Ori felt strangely warm under the collar of his red and green jumper.

Something about the way Santa Balin was watching him struck Ori as a little… sexual. He was sure Bilbo, the hobbit who led the Workplace Sexual Harassment and You seminars, would consider this whole interaction to be entirely inappropriate.

“Um, yes, so--okay, gotta go!” With a squeak, Ori deposited the other two tins in Santa’s lap and fled.


	9. Thorin/Bilbo(/Bofur); coffeeshop AU. (Warning: mentioned BDSM)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin/Bilbo(/Bofur); coffeeshop AU. Requested by mizz-destiny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentioned BDSM.

"I think he's a writer," Bofur said, leaning on the counter and watching Mr. Handsome and Mysterious type away on his laptop at his favorite table in the back corner. (Large plain coffee, just coffee, no flavoring, no room for cream.)

Bilbo kicked at Bofur's shoe idly. "He's probably a stockbroker or something boring like that. No one who looks like a writer is really a writer. He looks all tortured brows and brooding Heathcliff, but in reality he's just writing a business analysis."

Bofur pouted. "You have no romance in your soul. Also, you hate Wuthering Heights. You wrote your whole thesis about how much you hate the Brontës."

Bilbo shrugged. "I may hate Heathcliff, but that doesn't mean it isn't a good look." He straightened the novelty tins on the counter by the register, giving Mr. Handsome and Mysterious a hopefully subtle once-over. "It's a very good look," he told Bofur in an undertone.

"What do you think? I'm guessing bondage," Bofur said just as quietly. It was a game they played when they were incredibly bored behind the counter -- guess the customer's sexual kink.

"Hmmm, I could see that. Spanking," Bilbo said.

"Giving or receiving?"

Bilbo snorted. That guy? "Giving, definitely."

Then two yuppie moms and their four toddlers came in, and the after-school rush started, and Bilbo was kept running off his feet so much that he didn't even notice when Mr. Handsome and Mysterious left.

Except that there was a business card slipped under the tip jar -- very plain, just a name, email, and cell phone number. Bilbo turned it over in his fingers, puzzled, and found something written in bold, messy handwriting on the back of the business card. Bilbo's mouth dropped open as he read.

_You were right about giving. Interested in receiving? Call me._


	10. Fili/Ori; Buying someone's brother a pet fish for their birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili/Ori; Buying someone's brother a pet fish for their birthday. Requested by marnum.

"I still don't understand why I have to go with you," Ori protested mildly.

"Because you're his boyfriend! You know what he likes," Kili said, waggling his eyebrows at Ori ridiculously. 

Ori decided to feel embarrassed on his behalf, since Kili was apparently entirely incapable of feeling embarrassment.

"I don't know anything about fish." Ori made a final attempt to veer off before entering the store. Kili reached out with one of his damned long arms and snagged him by the back of the sweater without even breaking stride.

"You listen to Fili talk about fish all the time. You must know more than I do. Besides, ever since the boa constrictor incident of 2005, Mom has forbidden me from entering a pet store without a responsible adult," Kili said blithely. A little bell rang above the door as they entered the shop.

Ori squinted at him. "You're twenty-three," he pointed out.

"You've met our mom!" Kili said. 

Okay, that was a good point, Ori had to admit.

About forty-five minutes later, Ori was contemplating whether Fili would forgive him for murdering his little brother. Maybe if he just murdered him a little bit.

"It's so cute!" Kili was repeating, his face so close to the side of the aquarium that his nose was almost touching it.

"It's an octopus. You're supposed to be looking at fish."

"Look at its little tentacles!"

Ori's cell rang with Fili's ringtone. "Oh, thank god," he said, answering the phone.

 _"Ori?"_ Fili sounded concerned. 

"Can I kill your brother? Just a little bit?" Ori asked.

Fili laughed. _"Calm down, baby. I love you. What's Kili done now?"_

Ori felt himself melt inside. God, he was a sap.

"Love you too. Okay, so Kili wants to buy you an octopus..."


	11. Nori/Dwalin, A day at the beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori/Dwalin, A day at the beach. Requested by Anonymous.

"Dwarves don't swim, Nori. It's unnatural." Standing just at the water's edge, Dwalin scowled as he crossed his arms over his chest. The pose made his biceps bulge under the bands of angular tattoos that surrounded his upper arms. Lovely view, that.

"Pffft," Nori scoffed. "This isn't even swimming, I'm just splashing around. It's barely even up to my knees, see?" he asked, standing up in the shallows. An unexpectedly strong wave pushed against his legs, making him stagger.

"If you get eaten by a shark, I'm not saving you."

"Oh, please, if one even tried you'd beat it to death with your bare hands, sweetheart," Nori said, blowing him a kiss. "You love me."

"Yeah, yeah," Dwalin grumbled, pretending not to smile.


	12. Nori, Thorin at a haberdashery.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori, Thorin at a haberdashery. Requested by Charliebravowhiskey for the three lines of dialogue meme.

"Dwarves are not meant to wear hats, Thorin. I am putting my foot down. No hat."

"Do you really want me to have to tell Bilbo that the best man refused to wear a top hat? Do you want to be responsible for those sad, sad Hobbit eyes? … I could make that an order from your King."

"Ugh, Mahal damn it, fine. I’ll wear the stupid hat. But NO FLOWERS. I don’t care what special fancy name that has, no self-respecting Dwarf is wearing flowers on his… FINE. I WILL WEAR THE FUCKING FLOWERS."


	13. Nori/Dwalin, Nori posting bail for Dwalin.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori and Dwalin, Nori posting bail for Dwalin. Requested by booklover95 for the three lines of dialogue meme.

"I understand that he’s quite a dangerous character. Yes, yes, he destroyed half a tavern in Lowtown. Well, now that he’s sobered up, I’ll bring him home to the missus and she’ll straighten him right out. Thank you, Warden, have a wonderful day. …. Well. What do you have to say for yourself? … Oh, pouting, that’s very mature. Do you realize how long I worked to get an in with the Mithril Hand? Do you have any idea how many months of work you ruined with your cavedwarf routine? I don’t even want to talk to you. … Hey, you’re moving your arm strangely. Did you pull something? Show me. ... How did that happen? Who knifed you? I’ll fucking kill them. Let me get that cleaned out. Hold still."

"Guy behind you had a knife. Owww, fuck, that stings."

"Did you—did you start a tavern fight to save me from getting knifed? Did you get injured blocking someone from knifing me? … Mahal damn it, Dwalin. … I love you too."


	14. Ingrith, Fili, & Kili, Labyrinth AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ingrith, Fili, & Kili, Labyrinth AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ingrith is an OFC from my AU, Foxes and Geese. So, yes, this is an AU of an AU.

"Listen, I just need to get to the center of the Labyrinth in the next twelve hours. This place is all stone, it's not like it's going to be difficult." And then Ingrith is going to see if that self-proclaimed "Goblin King" is as good at dodging a sword when he isn't an illusion or projection or whatever.

"But we can help you!" says the cheerful brunet brother. They must be brothers--they move and talk in unison so much it's almost creepy.

The blond brother takes his pipestem out of his mouth long enough to say, "You don't know the Goblin King's tricks. You need us."

He has a point. Ingrith sighs. "Fine. But if either one of you tries anything funny, I'll kill you and find my way to the center of the Labyrinth myself."

They bow simultaneously and chorus, "We are at your service!"

Ingrith rolls her eyes and starts walking again.


	15. Ingrith/Fili, (Dwalin/Nori), Modern AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ingrith/Fili, (Dwalin/Nori), Modern AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ingrith is an OFC from my AU, Foxes and Geese. So, yes, this is an AU of an AU.

Dis and Thorin grill Ingrith mercilessly the first time they meet her. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry," Fili says in the car afterwards. "I had no idea they'd interrogate you like that. Please tell me they didn't scare you off."

"If your terrible taste in music and ugly hipster beard haven't scared me off yet, your overprotective mom and uncle aren't going to do it," she says, giving him a sly sideways glance as the corner of her mouth turns up.

"Hey! My beard is awesome." And she never mentions meeting her father and Fili never asks why, just like he's never asked why the only family pictures she displays are of her and her brother. He's pretty sure he'd get arrested for punching her father in the face if he ever actually met the man.

***

Ingrith wasn't expecting that when Fili said he'd get his family to help them move, he meant he would have approximately a _dozen_ people help them. She's been introduced to so many cousins and uncles and "hmmm, I'm not actually sure how we're related" that she can't keep anyone's name straight.

Eindrith is deployed again, so she doesn't have anyone other than her best friend Raven to help out. The expression on Raven's face when they see the crowd of terrifyingly loud Durin relatives is the funniest thing Ingrith has ever seen but she somehow manages to keep a straight face.

After everyone has left, Ingrith and Fili collapse onto the couch in the living room. "I'm never moving again," Fili says. "I'm going to live the rest of my life on this couch."

"Okay," Ingrith says. "Though I will point out that there's a new queen-size bed in the bedroom that needs to be broken in." Then Kili wanders in from the kitchen, flops down on the couch with them, and demands pizza, and it turns out that Raven didn't leave either, so breaking in the new bed has to wait.

***

Ingrith could have guessed that any barbecue at the Durin family's house would involve a truly terrifying number of relatives, but she hadn't quite been prepared for just how many there are. Apparently the dozen that had shown up to help them move were just the tip of the iceberg.

She ends up standing next to a short, lean man with waist-length hair pulled back in a braid. The two of them nurse their beer in silence, watching the chaos of half a dozen Durins attempting to be in charge of the barbecuing at once. "Hi, I'm Ingrith, Fili's girlfriend," she introduces herself finally.

"Nori Rivers," he says with a nod.

Rivers. That's not one of the last names that she's heard before. "So are you a cousin?"

"Not exactly. I'm dating Dwalin, and he's a Durin cousin." Nori points to a very tall, muscular guy who's gone the "I'm balding anyway, might as well shave it all off" route with his hair. It does not at all diminish his hotness. Ingrith can appreciate that even if her tastes apparently run to short blond guys with appalling facial hair these days.

"How did the two of you meet?" she asks, just being polite.

Nori flashes her a surprisingly sharklike grin. "Dwalin was assigned to guard me when I was in protective custody. He was _very_ protective," he says with a wink.

Ingrith watches Nori saunter over to Dwalin and plant a positively filthy kiss on the big man. The two of them kiss for a while and then walk away from the party together, not even trying to be subtle about wandering off for a quickie.

Hmmm. Not a bad idea, Ingrith thinks. Time to find Fili.


	16. Nori/Dwalin (Kili/Tauriel, hinted Thorin/Thranduil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because Kenporusty and I were talking about Kili/Tauriel, and how the whole idea would have Thorin drinking heavily while complaining to Dwalin about his nephew flirting with an Elf. (also contains hinted at Thorin/Thranduil feels.)

"Where did I go wrong? Didn't I warn Kili that Elves lack honor and will only betray him at the worst possible moment?"

At the other end of the long table, Kili is almost sitting in the lap of the Elven ambassador's head guard. Surprisingly, the red-headed female Elf appears to be flirting right back at Kili. The situation has had Thorin drinking heavily all throughout the feast, which is never a good thing. Thorin always has been a maudlin drunk. 

Dwalin suppresses a sigh.

"You can't trust them! The minute you start to depend on an Elf, that's when they let you down..."

Dwalin grunts in a hopefully sympathetic-sounding way. Further down the table, Nori catches his eye and raises an eyebrow at him with a teasing light in his eyes.

Thorin is now resting his head on his crossed arms, drunkenly mumbling into the table. Dwalin catches "stupid pretty Elves with their... stupid pretty hair..." Oh by the Hammer, he hopes he's not going to be regaled with one of Thorin's rants about the Elvenking again.

Dwalin widens his eyes at Nori, trying to indicate that he needs a rescue. The thief looks terribly amused, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed. Dwalin has just about resigned himself to an evening of making sympathetic noises at his king's horribly obvious case of unrequited... whatever... when Nori saunters over and stops next to him.

"Guard Captain, we still need to go over those patrol changes for the eastern residence levels." Nori sounds unfriendly and abrupt, his eyes flicking across the crowd as if he's already bored.

"My king, I must beg your pardon," Dwalin says, laying a hand on Thorin's shoulder. "We really must work out the changes tonight before the shift change."

Thorin flaps a hand at him without raising his head from the table. Dwalin stands and bows formally, then turns and makes a hasty retreat from the feasting hall. 

Nori is snickering quietly beside him. "So, you've got something you need worked out, eh?"

Dwalin growls and slams him against the wall in a nearby alcove. The thief's grin widens as he wraps his legs around Dwalin's waist. 

Deliberately dropping his voice into a growl, Dwalin says, "I owe you for that rescue, thief. And you know I always pay my debts. Name your terms."

Nori's eyes darken with lust. "Oh, I think we can work something out, guardsman."


	17. Bilbo/Nori, f/f, Thieving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> amateurchemist prompted: fem Bilbo and Nori, thieving

Nori sized up and dismissed the little Hobbit the first night she met her. Too soft, too worried about propriety. Wouldn't last a day on the streets of Ered Luin.

Honestly, Nori would be a little insulted that Thorin Oakenshield thought they had to hire such an obviously under-qualified "burglar," except that the job at the end of this Quest involved sneaking into a dragon's hoard. Nori was many things (all of them disreputable, according to her older sister), but she was no fool. If little Bellflower Baggins with her pretty ruffled dresses and her parasols was mad enough to walk into Smaug's den, then Nori wished her all the luck in the world. She'd need it.

And that was that, until the dinner at Elrond's house.

The Elves had so many little trinkets strewn about, surely they wouldn't miss a few here and there. Nori had picked up three pieces off side-tables before they even went downstairs for dinner. The silverware was a tempting challenge, as they sat surrounded by Elves with their annoyingly keen eyesight.

Then the food fight started and Nori saw her chance. She casually slid a fork into her sleeve. 

Across the table, she caught sight of the Hobbit doing exactly the same thing. Nori met her eyes, raising a braided eyebrow at her, and was surprised to see a mischievous smile crossing Bellflower Baggins' usually proper, lady-like face.

Nori slid a butter-knife into the top of her boot. Across the table, the Hobbit slid a spoon under the hem of her skirt-- leading Nori to pleasant speculation regarding what exactly she was wearing under her skirts-- and then raised a light brown eyebrow right back at her.

For every piece that Nori lifted, Bellflower did the same, with a heated look in her eyes that seemed very promising.

Nori wasn't completely sure if what they were doing counted as foreplay, but by the time she and Bellflower Baggins had finished denuding the table of most of its silverware, she was absolutely certain that she wanted to find out.


	18. Kili and Fili, gen, brotherly love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> forkie-littoralis prompted: kili and fili, mirkwood, brotherly love

Beorn had sent the Company off with a good supply of waybread and dried fruit, plus a few little clay jars of honey. They figured they had more than enough food to cross Mirkwood, assuming that they would be able to supplement the dry rations with hunting. They were wrong.

Before they even entered the forest, Bilbo had said that it felt sick to him. Kili wasn't really sure what that meant at first. How could a forest be sick? After a few weeks of following the barely-there path, losing it and having to backtrack, feeling like the entire forest was pressing in on them, feeling like there were eyes constantly watching them from the empty trees, Kili understood.

They started to get worried about the food supplies about two weeks in when there was no sign of an end to the forest. Kili finally managed to shoot a black-furred squirrel, the only kind of animal they had seen in the forest, but its flesh was foul and even Bombur couldn't make it into an edible stew.

That night most of the Company huddled around the tiny campfire, but Kili wandered to the edge of the firelight, sitting on a fallen tree and staring out into the empty blackness of Mirkwood. Fili found him after a few minutes and joined him quietly.

"What's wrong?" Fili asked.

"Have you noticed there's no game in this forest?"

"I haven't seen any deer, if that's what you mean." Fili shrugged.

Kili shook his head. "I don't mean just deer, I mean all of the animals there should be in a forest this big. Foxes. Rabbits. Badgers. Even birds. There's nothing. Bilbo was right, this forest is sick."

Fili bumped him gently with his shoulder. "It'll be fine, we just have to keep going. We must be almost through by now."

"But we're running low on food and we have no idea how much longer it's going to take to cross the forest." He could hear his own voice going thin and scared as he said, "Fili, I think we're in real trouble here."

"Hey." Fili put an arm around his shoulders and squeezed, leaning his head against Kili's. "Don't worry, Kee, we're going to be fine. We just have to keep following the path. Uncle Thorin thinks we're almost through. We're going to make it through this, you'll see."

"But what if we don't?" Kili whispered.

"We will. I promise. Come on, now, is your big brother ever wrong?"

"Often." Kili laughed and ducked away as Fili tried to knuckle him in the head. 

"Brat," Fili said affectionately. "See if I share my last honey-cake with you."

The honey-cake was crumbled and a little stale, but it tasted delicious nevertheless. They ate it sitting on the fallen log with their shoulders pressed together, and somehow the dark, endless forest around them didn't seem quite so terrifying with his brother by his side.


	19. Thorin/Nori, Nori "borrows" Thorin's spaceship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin/Nori, Nori "borrows" Thorin's spaceship. Requested by booklover95.

"Aren't you a lovely piece of pre-Imperial equipment, oh my, yes you are," Nori crooned. 

Amazing luck, this, finding a derelict spaceship in such fantastic condition in neutral space. The find of a lifetime. Nori could sell this at any one of a dozen planets and retire to some smuggler's paradise on the profits.

Humming cheerfully, Nori trailed a hand over the control console. He heard a distinct clicking noise as a sensor lit up. "Bloody touch-sensitive controls!"

"You there," a deep authoritative voice said from behind him. Nori spun around, drawing his pistol. A dark-haired Dwarf in strange-looking armor stood glowering at him. The Dwarf crossed his arms and said, "What exactly do you think you're doing?"

The faint flatness gave it away as a holoprojected image. An AI, how delightfully archaic!

Nori gave the AI his very best smile. "What am I doing? Why, I'm stealing you, love."


	20. Nori, Space Pirate (Thorin/Nori)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Random numbers meme response for booklover95: Nori, Bofur, and Dori are Space Pirates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to chapter 19. If you think this sounds like an Andromeda AU, that's because it is.

The AI was still standing there glaring at him, but Nori wasn't too worried. It was restrained by its own programming from harming any squishy organics. Glaring was about the worst it could manage.

Leaning back comfortably in the Captain's chair (nicely upholstered, very cushy), Nori activated his comms and asked, "Bofur, how are things going down in Engineering? Do you have the navigation system block bypassed yet?"

"It's going to take me a few more minutes. This bloody thing is coded tighter than an Elf's--" Bofur's voice broke up into unintelligible static.

Nori sat up straight. "Bofur, you're breaking up. Do you copy?" There was no answer, but with an old starship like this there might be unexpected interference. Maybe. He'd never trusted coincidences much. "Bifur, could you go see if your cousin needs a hand?"

" _Agreed_ ," Bifur responded. The comms system automatically translated his signing in Iglishmiek into verbal speech.

"Bombur, Dori, are you making any headway on getting through that sealed bulkhead?" Nori started pacing across the starship's bridge.

"Stop rushing me," Dori responded in a predictably aggrieved-sounding tone. "This is a very complex lock and if we do anything wrong the whole thing could go. No, don't touch that circuit! By the hammer, have you not been listening to a word I--" The connection crackled suddenly and then went dead.

"Dori. Do you copy?" Nori waited for a couple of seconds, feeling his heart in his throat. "Dori, you wanker, respond!"

"Is Dori okay?" the frightened voice of their little brother came over the comms. Ori was the only one of them who had stayed on their own ship when they'd docked with the derelict. He'd whined endlessly about never being allowed on the boarding party but Nori was suddenly very glad he hadn't given in to the whining.

"Stay put and keep the airlock locked down," Nori told him tersely. "I'm going to go check on them." He turned back to face the AI and caught a smug look crossing its face. Nori's eyes narrowed as he demanded, "What did you do? You can't endanger sentient life, that's the first rule! What have you done to them?"

"I simply played for time," the AI said. "You're the fool who failed to notice."

"I will rip out your star drive with my bare _hands_ if you've hurt them, you rusted pile of scrap metal!"

The AI nodded at something behind him. Nori spun around to see that a Dwarf identical to the AI in every way, including the archaic-looking armor, was holding a pistol trained on Nori's head. There was a door-shaped opening in the wall behind him that Nori could have sworn hadn't been there a moment ago. 

_Bloody hell._ Nori spread out his arms, palms-out, to indicate that he was surrendering. For now.

"You're under arrest, pirate," the Dwarf with the pistol said. He efficiently patted Nori down with one hand, confisticating Nori's pistol and two of his knives but completely missing the knives hidden in his boots. Keeping his pistol trained on Nori, he stowed the weapons away in a locked cabinet. Once that was taken care of, he asked in an exasperated tone, "Gandalf, could you please stop looking like me? It's not amusing."

The AI's projection shimmered and re-formed into the image of a grey-haired, elderly Man in a plain, travel-worn jumpsuit. "Oh, I thought it was quite amusing, Captain."

"I'm not a pirate," Nori protested. _Mostly_. Anyway, not in this case. "This ship was found drifting dead in neutral space and we have a legal right to salvage derelict ships. I demand to know what you've done with my crew and on what authority you claim to be arresting me."

"Your crew is perfectly safe, simply imprisoned. You have been detained on the authority of the House of Durin and the Kingdom of Erebor." He glared as Nori started laughing.

"On the authority of the dead royal house of a kingdom that hasn't existed in centuries? You are completely deluded if you think that's going to get you anywhere."

The dark-haired Dwarf crossed the bridge in a few swift steps and loomed over Nori menacingly. "What do you mean, _centuries_?"

Nori raised his eyebrows as the archaic-looking armor, pre-Imperial starship, and apparent ignorance of the fall of the Erebor System added up to equal something entirely unexpected. Perhaps the ship had been caught in a wormhole? Some sort of temporal anomaly? However it had happened, this was going to take some explaining.

"Well, it's a long story, so we may as well get comfortable..."


	21. The return of the Andromeda AU (Nori/Thorin, possible past Nori/Bilbo)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> veraverorum prompted: Thorin and Nori, the spaceship of one of your AUs, surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to chapters 19 & 20\. I continue to claim that this is _not_ a WIP, it's just... snippets.

The sleek pre-Imperial spaceship named Durin's Pride hurtled at unimaginable speed through the immense void between star systems. On board, the mixed crew of time-displaced Ereboreans and salvage specialists (pirates, to be more accurate) shared a somewhat uneasy peace. They could work together; that didn't mean they trusted each other.

On the day that the ship had been displaced in time, however it had happened--wormhole, temporal anomaly, act of war (that was Dwalin's theory)--it had been flying with only a skeleton crew. The entire royal family, except for King Thror and Crown Prince Thrain, had been onboard, as well as the families of many of the officers and crew members, for some kind of Durin's Day celebration cruise. So while there were a couple of dozen time-displaced Ereboreans on board the Durin's Pride, only a handful of them actually knew how to run the ship. 

Thus, there were usually only two people sitting on the bridge at any given time. This day-shift it happened to be Nori and Thorin. 

Stuck at the navigation station on the bridge, Nori was beyond bored. Flipping his knives into the air and catching them had gotten boring about an hour ago, and Thorin the Magnificently Annoying Ass had vetoed throwing his knives at either the walls or moving targets. Deprived of any further amusement from that, Nori had moved on to pointless complaining, which had the dual purpose of irritating Thorin and killing time.

"I don't see why we're going to pick up this so-called "specialist" just on Gandalf's say-so," Nori grumbled. "Your AI is crazier than an Elven spacer."

Slouching in the Captain's Chair with his legs stretched out, Thorin still sounded moderately patient as he answered, "Because Gandalf searched the info nodes for anyone who might be good enough to get past Smaug's security, and Barrel Rider is the only name that came up."

Barrel Rider, what a ridiculous fake name. Probably a snot-nosed fifty-year-old still living with his parents. Nori rolled his eyes. "I still think this is a fool's mission."

"Erebor is our home, and taking it back will be a huge blow against the Sauron Empire." Thorin's voice turned cold as he added, "If you've changed your mind about helping us--"

"No, I haven't changed my mind. I said I'd help you take back Erebor and I meant it." Nori sighed and muttered, "Though I should probably go through a full psych eval for even considering agreeing to this mad quest."

Thorin's demeanor softened as what passed for a relaxed expression returned to his face (in other words, he looked a tiny bit less grim and cheerless.) "Admit it, you simply couldn't resist my... reasoned appeal to your better nature."

Turning away, Nori pretended to examine something very closely on his screen to avoid having to respond. He was never sure whether Thorin was doing that deliberately, when his voice went low and rumbly and he said things that certainly _sounded_ as if he were flirting. 

It was bloody confusing, was what it was. Why would Thorin, son of Thrain, hereditary King of the Erebor system, waste his time flirting with a small-time salvage specialist (pirate), even one who had been stupid enough to fall for his lines about resisting the Empire and freeing the Dwarven people? (Though the large sum of credits promised certainly hadn't hurt.)

Nori was halfway convinced that Thorin did it deliberately, just to fuck with his head. Even beyond the massive class difference, it wasn't like a skinny spacer Dwarf could be at all attractive to a stone-born Dwarf who still moved as if he could feel the mountains beneath his feet. 

Naturally, because Nori's luck sucked, Dori had quickly figured out that he was attracted to their royal Captain. In typical Dori fashion, he alternated between scolding Nori for looking above his station and mother-henning him to death. Nori was pretty sure that Ori was writing some kind of epic poem about their forbidden passion. (He shuddered at the thought.)

Thankfully, the planetary proximity alerts distracted him from the thoughts running in circles around his brain like tiny asteroids. They had arrived at their destination, a green, glowing gem of a planet on the edge of inhabited space: XJRR-2890, commonly known as the Shire.

"Hailing him now," Nori reported. " _Barrel Rider_ has accepted the connection."

"On screen." Thorin didn't appear to shift from his lazy sprawl, but Nori could hear the subtle tension in his voice. A lot depended on this crazy gamble of Gandalf's.

"I don't need any jump drive fuel or contraband vids, or whatever else you might be selling. Piss off and go bother another Hobbit." The figure on the vidscreen spoke without looking up at the camera, as if he couldn't even be bothered to see who he was speaking to. All that could be seen of him was a pointy ear sticking out of a riot of golden-brown curls, above the collar of a patchwork robe. 

That ear looked oddly familiar to Nori, and now that he thought about it, that voice sounded distinctly familiar too. "Bilbo Baggins?" he asked.

Bilbo looked up at the vidscreen with wide, surprised eyes. "Nori Rivers?" His eyes narrowed. "Well, now you can definitely piss off."

The call ended.

Nori tried not to twitch too obviously as an ominous silence filled the bridge.

"Would you care to explain why the only lead we have just hung up on us?" Thorin asked in a voice that sounded like he was trying hard not to shout.

Nori squinted and scratched his chin. "Not particularly, no."


	22. Thor crossover AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Random numbers meme response for veraverorum: What would have happened if Kili, Nori, and Jane Foster grew up together?

Jane Foster never wondered what her life would have been like without Nori Rivers in it. They had been best friends for so long that the alternative was literally unthinkable.

They had met the first day of kindergarten when a bully had pushed Nori down and made Jane cry by calling her names. Using parts that Nori had scavenged from who knows where and Jane's instinctive knowledge of physics, the two of them had constructed a catapult to launch a red jello cup right into the bully's hair. 

Ever since that day they had been inseparable, except for the several years that Jane spent away at University. Nori apparently had spent that time developing a number of acquaintances and contacts that Jane thought she was probably best off not knowing anything about.

Dis and her two sons had come later. Jane had been in the midst of setting up a lab in a small town in New Mexico and had mentioned to Nori that she really needed a programmer. A week later, Dis, Fili, and Kili had shown up on the lab's doorstep with a small pile of luggage. 

Dis was one of Nori's innumerable cousins, though how exactly they were related seemed a bit unclear. She had a Masters in exactly what Jane needed, two teenaged sons, a pale patch of skin on the third finger of her left hand, and a look in her eyes that said it was better just not to ask. Her kids were mostly well-behaved for teenagers, even if they had a disturbing tendency to nearly get themselves killed every so often while "exploring." 

Three years passed. Nori continued to get them equipment through channels Jane didn't necessarily want to know about, because she was well aware that she could never have come up with the funding to run the lab for so long without his shady contacts. Dis's programming skills were absolutely indispensable and she made a killer margarita. Though Jane would never admit it out loud, Fili and Kili were the closest thing to nephews that she, an only child, would ever have. 

Even the intern she ended up with semi-randomly, Darcy Lewis the _political_ science major, was a lot more useful than Jane had expected at first. Darcy had a knack for seeing little things that Jane missed and didn't hesitate to badger her into eating and sleeping when she forgot to.

Everything was going so well, in fact, that when a Norse god crash-landed in the desert and got tased by Darcy, Jane realized that things perhaps had been going a little _too_ well and she really should have expected something to go wrong.

But really, as Nori pointed out, who would ever have expected a Norse god to fall out of the sky, much less one with abs like those?


	23. that Thor crossover that never went anywhere (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just doing a little housecleaning, since clearly this AU is never going anywhere.

The glass doors of the lab were difficult to slam, but Nori certainly made a good effort of it as he stormed back in. He had been talking on his cell phone in the parking lot for close to half an hour, pacing back and forth and occasionally gesturing angrily.

Darcy exchanged a look with Jane, who looked about as flummoxed as she felt. Nori was normally cool as a rattlesnake. He didn't get mad, he got even. "Everything okay there?" Darcy asked.

"Well, my brothers are planning on moving to Puente Antiguo next week, so no, not everything is okay." He crossed his arms and leaned against a counter, trying to look calm but failing. Darcy could hear his leg jittering and rattling the cupboards.

"Uh. Wouldn't your family moving to the same town as you normally be cause for celebration? Do you not get along with them?" Darcy ignored Jane giving her the glare of _stop asking questions_. She really wanted to know, and for once Nori didn't seem to be in his usual "make a joke and deflect" mode.

"Do I get along with my brothers." Nori started pacing again, his long braid whipping across his back with the movement. "I get along fine with my younger brother, but Dori--my older brother--drives me completely insane. He's always disapproved of me, always criticized every little thing I do. I don't know why we even bother pretending we're real brothers," he added in an undertone.

"Nori." Jane caught him gently by the elbow and Nori stopped pacing. She told him in a quiet voice that she probably thought Darcy couldn't overhear, "Dori only fusses because he cares, you know that. And you are real brothers. Just because you don't have the same father doesn't mean you're not brothers." 

Darcy kept her mouth shut and tried to blend into the scenery. She always forgot somehow that Jane had grown up with Nori. It made sense that Jane would know things about his family... things that maybe Nori wouldn't be totally comfortable with Darcy knowing about.

"Yeah, I know. You're right." Nori rubbed his hands across his face and laughed. "Sorry to be all over-dramatic," he added, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure it'll be fine. Ori's excited about the move."

If Darcy hadn't known Nori pretty well after a full year of working in the same glass-walled building with him, she might actually have been fooled into thinking he was okay with it. 

"Wait, your brothers are named Dori and Ori?" Darcy blurted out.

"Yes?" Nori said, raising his eyebrows at her.

"Rhyming names. Like Fili and Kili. What is _with_ that?"

He shrugged. "Family custom from the old country. I was surprised Dis went with such traditional names for Fili and Kili, to be honest. Personally, I think it's a tradition that we'd be better off without. Dori disagrees with me, of course. Anyway, I need to go take a look at the retail space my brother rented sight unseen and make sure it isn't a total disaster."

"Retail space?" Jane asked. "Is Dori opening up a shop?"

Nori paused with his hand on the door to answer, "He's opening up a tea shop. Because the thing this shitty little town _really_ needs? Is a gourmet tea shop." With that he was gone, striding away across the parking lot with his long wool coat whipping dramatically in the high desert wind.

Jane watched him go fondly. "He always has known how to make an exit."

"What are his brothers like?" Darcy asked. "Are they like him?" 

"No. Nooooooooo," Jane said, shaking her head as she drew out the sound. "I can't imagine three brothers _less_ like each other. You'll see what I mean when you meet them."

And no matter how much Darcy whined and tried to bribe her with hot cocoa, "you'll see" was all Jane would say on the matter.


	24. that Thor crossover that never went anywhere (part 2) (Dis/Darcy Lewis)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darcy Lewis and Dis are forced to share a room at a hotel/inn with only one (small) bed. What happens? (Random numbers meme prompt from minorearth.)
> 
> If you're curious about the math, Dis is 34. She had Fili when she was 16. Fili is now 18, Kili is 16. My headcanon Dis is played by Lucy Lawless.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. How does every hotel room in this shitty town end up booked by a scrapbooking convention?" Darcy groused. Slouching in the passenger seat, she fiddled with the radio dial, hoping against hope to come across an actual non-shitty radio station.

Dis gave her an amused look. "Don't disrespect the scrapbookers. They're hardcore. Those grandmas will shiv you with an x-acto knife."

"So noted. I'll keep an eye out for grannies with craft supplies."

"All right, here it is -- the Harbor View motel." Dis turned smoothly into the parking lot, the sedan's wheels crunching on gravel.

"They do realize that they're in the middle of the desert, right?"

The Harbor View motel turned out to have only one room left available: a double that they hadn't rented out because one of its beds was "out of service." 

Dis turned to her questioningly. Darcy considered the prospect of driving to the next town at this hour of the night in a most likely unsuccessful search for a hotel room. "We'll take it."

The room was clean and neat enough, despite the large stain on the carpet where the second bed had apparently once stood. "I just don't want to know," Dis said. Darcy couldn't have agreed more.

Darcy changed into her pajamas first and was sitting in the moderately uncomfortable armchair aimlessly changing channels when Dis walked out of the bathroom wearing a tanktop and shorts. 

Darcy tried to be at least a little bit subtle about checking her out. Dis was tall, long-legged, and muscular in a way you generally didn't expect from computer programmers, particularly ones in their mid-thirties with two kids. She was the best walking definition Darcy had ever seen of the word "Amazonian." (Darcy drifted into a little fantasy about Dis cosplaying Wonder Woman. Holy shitballs that would be hot.)

"What, do I have my shirt on inside out or something?" Dis asked, reaching behind her neck to check the tag on her tank top. The motion did awesome things to her breasts.

Darcy swallowed hard. Dis Durinson was a total MILF, and Darcy needed to get ahold of herself or else it was going to get embarrassing. More embarrassing.

"No, just zoning out, sorry. So how do you want to do this?" Darcy immediately wanted to kick herself for the unintentional double entendre. 

"Do what?"

"Uh, sleep together. I mean in the same bed. Not, y'know, doing the dirty." 

Dis sat on the bed with her back against the headboard. "Well, I generally prefer to be closer to the door, so I'll take this side."

"Great! I like sleeping on the side further from the window so that's perfect. We'll be great at sleeping together. Uh, platonically. Not in a lesbian sense. Though I'm not saying I'd be opposed to that." _Oh my God, Darcy, shut up,_ she told herself. _Why do I always start babbling when I'm nervous?_

"Darcy," Dis said. She had the slightly rueful smile on her face that in Darcy's experience meant _Nice try, but I don't go for ditzy brunettes._

"Okay, I get it, ditzy brunettes, can we move on now," Darcy said flatly.

"What? You're not ditzy," Dis scowled. "Don't call yourself that. Who noticed the visual pattern in the long-range scan results last month?"

Darcy buffed her nails on her shirt. "That would be me." She was pretty proud of that. Even Jane hadn't seen the pattern.

"So can it with the "ditzy" bullshit." Dis paused, looking surprisingly uncertain. "Are you seriously interested in me or just..." She shrugged. "Situationally, temporarily interested."

"Serious as a freaking shark attack," Darcy said, crossing her heart.

Dis chuckled but quickly sobered again. "Because I don't do casual. I'm not built that way. We Durinsons... we can get possessive."

"Straight up, I can be a jealous bitch. I don't do casual either." Feeling her heart in her throat, Darcy asked, "So... you wanna give this a try? I've only been crushing on you for, like, forever."

"That long?" Dis smiled slowly. "Then come here and we'll see what we can do about that."

Darcy leaped up from her chair and then tried to play it totally cool, crossing the room slowly and crawling up the length of the bed while Dis smoldered at her.

Much later, as they cuddled together in the aftermath of some _awesome_ orgasms, Darcy traced her fingertips idly over faded purple stretch marks on Dis's impressively flat tummy. Pregnancy stretch marks, she realized abruptly. Whoah.

Seeming to follow Darcy's train of thought, Dis said, "Please tell me you're older than Fili." She paused. "Lie if you have to."

Darcy propped her head up on her bent arm. "Now you think of that?" She briefly considered letting her stew, but decided it wasn't worth the possibility of Dis not doing that thing with her tongue again tonight. "Non-traditional student here. Went back to school after I got laid off. I'm twenty-seven."

Dis looked relieved. "Thank god, at least you're closer in age to me than to my son."

"What, are you afraid you're going to corrupt me or something?" Grinning, Darcy sat up and straddled Dis's waist. "Just lie back and relax, and I'll show you exactly how innocent I'm _not_."


	25. Galadriel at Dol Guldur

It has been a very long time since she has allowed herself to unleash the full extent of her powers.

The use of power begets the hunger for more. Every bearer of a Ring knows the addictive rush of loosing the chains held within themselves…and how difficult it is to deny that temptation. She knows, just as Elrond knows, just as Mithrandir knows, that the true danger she faces here is not this so-called Necromancer. (The Enemy returned, and how were the Wise kept blind to his return for so long?) The true danger she faces here comes from within.

But she is a Queen, and a Ring-bearer, and the mother to a daughter this filth’s servants almost destroyed. (She was a sister once too, so very long ago as counted in the Ages of this world.)

Bare of foot and seemingly unarmed, a waif of an Elvish girl in white and gold amongst the monsters and beasts and all the warriors in their blood-stained armor, Galadriel steps lightly across the muddy battlefield of Dol Guldur —

And the ground trembles beneath her feet.


	26. pet names [nori/dwalin, no warnings]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little Tumblr ficlet that I forgot to cross-post to AO3 when it was first written. Written for veraverorum for the domesticity prompt 4: pet names (endearments), nori/dwalin.

"I just don't think it's healthy, Nori." 

Nori sniffed at his mug of tea and made a face. Chamomile. Dori always made chamomile tea when he was upset and never remembered that Nori hated it. Or maybe he did remember and it was just a passive-aggressive thing. Probably the latter, knowing his older brother. And of course he waited until Ori was out of the house to ambush Nori with a _serious talk_ about what he was doing with his life. Ugh.

"Piss off, Dori. Just keep your nose out of my and Dwalin's relationship. We're fine."

"How can it be _fine_ when the police officer my little brother is dating calls him "thief" all the time? How is that healthy, Nori? Hmmm?" Dori dumped three spoonfuls of sugar into his mug and stirred vigorously. "I know you _say_ you've gone straight, but what happens when you get caught again? You think your cop boyfriend is going to look the other way?"

Oh hell, Dori was actually upset, not just his typical stewing-over-every-little-thing fretting. Nori heaved a sigh and slumped further down in his kitchen chair. Goddammit. He hated talking about serious shit before noon. Or ever, really, but before noon was particularly unfair. "I'm not just claiming to have gone straight, I really _have_ gone straight. Well," he added, feeling the corner of his mouth twitch, "except in bed, of course."

"Would you stop making everything a joke and be serious for once in your life?"

"Ugh, god. Fine." Gathering his thoughts, Nori made the error of actually taking a sip of the now lukewarm chamomile tea. "This shit tastes like you brewed a bag of lawn clippings. Okay, so, you know I had that gig with that security company? Telling fat cats how a halfway-decent crew could break their security with like a week's planning and a couple of MacBooks? Steady work, but boring as shit. There's only so many times you can tell some limp-dick businessman that you could break his encryption with the secret decoder ring from a cereal box." He rolled his eyes. 

Dori made a sound reminiscent of a teapot coming to boil. Hurriedly, Nori added, "Anyway, I heard through the grapevine that some producer was looking for a pro to be an advisor on some show about reformed con artists running scams for the greater good. Typical Hollywood bullshit, but whatever. I got the job. They're paying me money--a _lot_ of money--to tell them their scripts suck and how to fix them."

His older brother looked cautiously pleased. "And you're going to stick with it? You're not going to get bored and start...doing whatever again?"

"Eh, I dunno. I'll probably stick with it. It turns out it's kind of fun telling Hollywood-types how real pros work." Nori shrugged. "Besides, I have about six foot five and eight inches of motivation not to start stealing again."

"Six foot five and..." His brother looked confused, so Nori waggled his eyebrows at him and gestured a clarification. Dori turned red and slapped his hand over his own eyes. "Nori! I don't need to know that about your boyfriend!"

"Whatever. You're just jealous you don't have a well-hung cop of your very own." Right on time, the doorbell rang. Nori rose to his feet and wriggled a little to ensure his jeans were riding just low enough on his hips. Before leaving the kitchen, he looked back over his shoulder and added, "Oh, and the "thief" thing? In case you were wondering, it's _totally_ a sex thing."

Dori squawked indignantly. 

Grinning, Nori strode to the front door and flung it open after checking the feed from the security camera to make sure their visitor was who he was expecting. Leaning against the doorjamb, he hooked his thumb into the beltloop of his jeans and gave the tall, balding hunk standing on his doorstep a slow up-and-down look. Delicious. "Yes, officer? Is there a problem?"

Crossing his thick-muscled arms over his barrel chest, the cop loomed ominously. "I'm looking for a thief."

"Oh dear." Biting his lip, Nori looked up at him under his eyelashes. "Are you going to arrest me, officer? Planning on taking me for a _ride_ downtown?"

From inside the house, he heard Dori yell, "For god's sake, Nori, you have a room! Stop playing your weird sex games on the doorstep!"

Their eyes met and Dwalin and Nori burst out laughing at the same moment. 

"Piss off, Dori!" Nori shouted before slamming the door shut behind him.

The smile lingered in the lines at the corners of Dwalin's eyes as he slid his hands into Nori's back pockets and tugged him in for a quick, soft kiss. "Hi, baby."

Well that was never going to do. Nori looped his arms around Dwalin's neck and made the kiss longer and hotter, finally pulling away with a scrape of his teeth across Dwalin's lower lip. "Hi, pumpkin."

Dwalin raised an eyebrow. "I'm "pumpkin" today?"

"Sweetie? Darling? Honey? Sea salt caramel ice cream?"

"Mmm, there's an idea. Want to pick up some on the way?"

Nori gave him an exaggerated pout. "I thought I was going to be dessert."

The grin that spread across Dwalin's face was absolutely wicked. "And who says I can't have both?"

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on tumblr at http://garafthel.tumblr.com.


End file.
